There are often days for me when I literally push my feet onto the floor from bed, and there is the beginnings of an article that I want to write straightaway. I somehow doubt that there is a hidden author in me, let me rush to assure you and the rest of the world! In all probability it's the preacher in me, and the "interesting ideas factory" in my head - well that's what I'll convince myself for the time being, anyway. Some days, the Sunday sermon is often concluded in the morning shower, which initiates a whole series of reflections. The trouble is that by the time I have come downstairs and faced realities, a flood of other things along the lines of "must-dos" have infiltrated my mind. These are an array of mundane things to do around the house: cleaning, repairs, paperwork, and on the days when my wife, Claire, is working, it's "what shall I cook for supper tonight?" Don't get too impressed, I am a lousy and boring cook.
There are other not insignificant things that I carry: I look after our mother's finances and other matters, run the family business as a landlord, and that's before I think of the ministry things I do: District Minister, Moderating a local church, British Legion Chaplain, local Public School input, and local schools work.
Once those thoughts have invaded my mind, the initial inspiration to write, ends up being swept away and I feel the stress beginning to weigh heavily upon my shoulders. Inspiration is replaced by the mundane.
I recently stopped over the last 2 few weeks. In all honesty the crisis in my emotions had now reached its impending reality - please feel free to laugh, but for me it felt like a crisis for which I had no control. Underneath I was in freefall. The turning of my age clock, which for me is February, brought me to 60 and I hated the very thought. It had been worrying me for many months, and I was determined that after a crazy December, and outrageous January, that what I absolutely needed to do was stop and face this crunch moment head-on. I don't feel 60, I didn't want it to happen, but now it has. Stopping was not straightforward, I even missed my annual Minister's Retreat! But I said to many of the groups I had involvement with - "Nah, I'm not available then!" For some, saying "no" to them was not acceptable, and I was chased by email by some, and they were not willing to give in. "No!" was my answer. I had to live with the feeling that I had let them down. Tough! I needed this time to face this crucial change in me.
And my birthday was great. Spending this time surrounded by my lovely family by the sea, was a great tonic. They made me feel very much safe, loved and at peace.
Stopping has been good for me. It's been clear for a while that, not for the first time, there are too many plates spinning for me. Careful reflection is required. Once you are past 60, you start to think about pace of life and what you want to do, rather than what you should do. I value your prayers in this.
This morning I sat in bed and listened to R4 "Thought for the day" with Canon Angela Tilby, who spoke on Ash Wednesday. This is the day that we need (she said) to face our mortality - yikes! Yet far from it being a negative or gloomy prospect, facing our humanity and its limitations is precisely what every Christian needs to do. We are indeed finite and there is one life, and this is it. We were born, and one day we shall die. Ash Wednesday and Lent invites us to face our mortality head on.
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