Seasons of the Soul

I am learning alot at the moment - it's the season that I am going through. I am learning what I need,or what God thinks I need, not what I necessarily want. The sociological difference of these two words is always very different!

There are two pieces of scripture that are very much in my mind at this time.

Ecclesiastes 3 New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

And the second scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:11

11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

I am finding that this is and needs to be a season where personal growth is the aim. We all go through seasons emotionally and spiritually. Seasons can arrive for all kinds of reasons - because God wants it to be so, or allows it to happen, to test and refine us - for character growth and for the future, and because baggage and issues bring us to that point of change and therein personal growth.

I am finding that I need for my own sanity re-evaluate in a slower pace of life the things that have been happening. As a Pastor, that's very difficult. We lead such hugely pressurised lives - at times it feels that everyone and thing wants a part of me. We are forever balancing spinning plates and people's expectations of what they think we should be doing - their expectations, are pretty much always too much and not realistic. Out of interest, there is a key question here - "Who Pastor's the Pastor?" I won't explore this hugely just now, but in Baptist Ministry, the pastoral care is a huge question. It is often reactive, not pro-active, and pretty much, and in my view sadly, we are left to our own devices by the BU to sort out our own support structures and caring. We are Professionals as Pastor's, but I know of no other profession where support is not properly present - supervision, spiritual direction. And in these days of economic squeeze, and other priorities, we are all finding that we need more support, and more encouragement and off loading of the things that are happening to us on the coal face of local church ministry.

But here is what is happening for me: The season I am is teaching me that my priorities have been wrong. Before I would do or die anything at a drop of a hat in my ministry as a Pastor, running to respond to this or that situation or project or meeting. But now, I cannot do that because my priorities have all been wrong. My priority in my life is God - my personal walk with him, and closely followed by total priority of my wife Claire and our family of 3 children. They need me and I must and want to be there for them. And then follows my work as a Pastor of a church and all that entails. I'm not going to give an extensive list here, but I know that for some what I have written may be upsetting, but I'm sorry my faith in God is paramount - my walk as a disciple, and my wife and family are a total priority, and they need me and deserve not second best, but primary place!

God is growing me in other areas of my life too. He is challenging me and I am not finding that all together easy. But it is spiritual, emotional and personal growth, and I am in his hands. What better place can there be in this season?

Tortoise ministries

There's something about January that is dangerous! The tendency in some to do new things can, for numerous others, be quite dangerous. In the years that I have been a Pastor - over 20 years now, I have seen and for a time been a part of the brigade that goes for the latest things. It's just so tempting you see to rush after the latest things because others are doing it, and to merely follow the rush without asking questions. I guess that the impetouos age of youth is often characterised by this kind of activity: it darts after the new without question because others are doing so, and it merely supports the trend mindset that "this is what anybody who is really in is doing, and if you're not, then you're yesterday!"
My New Testament lecturer (God Bless AC!), once exclaimed to the gathered seminar "But God is always, always, always, doing a new thing!" And, he is right. There is something about the Tortoise you see, who indeed goes on to win the race, that is powerfully true of many aspects of life, and one of those is the Christian life, and within that Christian Ministry.
And so I guess that what I am saying is that the Gospel never changes, but how it is to be presented does. Well no new insights there then, it's not rocket science!
Yes, but the importance of starting the new year steadily and slowly picking up the rhythm of the beat seems to be where I am. There is surely widsom here.

The country stagnates within an economic depression and the one thing people are not doing is rushing anywhere. There are no easy solutions or answers, and the general, ordinary person of the UK is merely intent upon survival. The populous is weary of easy answers and quick fixes, and this is where the "old, old story, presented in new, new ways" must surely come in. What people are looking for and needing more than anything else in January 2012 is "hope". And the Gospel has it. Hebrews 6: 19 says - "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." This is for me a challenge and an opportunity. A challenge personally and an opportunity for every Christian to usher in revival.

New Year - wierd time ... wierd people

I reckon I've said it before...but I'll say it again - New year is a wierd time! This year,we've not had the snow ... so far, so life is not on hold whilst everyone struggles to get from A to B or simply go out and play in it.
But there is a spectrum of behaviours in terms of the new year, isn't there? Some throw everything they can it new opportunities, others merely keep going as it was. Some make big plans and go mad in planning and diary stuff, others merely keep going as it was!
I don't want to dismiss the "do new things" camp, but there is a danger in doing some things that are so radical that they cannot be sustained. And if life is so full of change then the opposite effect to that which was desired can be the end result.
For a whole lot of other people - and I count myself in this camp this year, I feel I'm scrambling around at the moment trying to get my bearings in terms of what direction to go in. I'm doing what I guess are the important things - diary, paper work and ensuring that I do the ordinary things ok. But as it making announcements about "this is the direction to go in" then I am at the momenet reticent. Does this happen the older you get I ask myself? Am I merely, once again, a common statistic? Answer - probably yes!
And another thing - energy is low, but the to-do list if high. Can I flag up the enthusiasm to hit these things? Nah - the spiritual gift of procrastination needs to fully play its part!
But I find that if I have an enormous downer on myself as a result of this "spirit of sluggishness" that actually I will simply be worse off, and probably others around me too. So i find no sense of guilt in where I am, but am content to await the waves of the Spirit of God come when the time is right.
All that said, for me this is a time of internal growth. Of reflection and of recognising that I might not be the person I want to be, God wants me to be, and maybe others need me to me! I guess I'm just wierd then!

Music - the missing ingredient

Well Happy New Year! I hope you have a good one.
I was, in one of those rare "down tools network is sleeping in power save mode" moments during the Christmas break, reflecting that what I miss at the moment in my life is music. I think it was a number of things that might have triggered this - a visit to here Handel's Messiah, a listening to Carols from Kings and one other music moment where I perhaps selfishly on Boxing day +1 sat with my head phones on whilst the rest of the family played Monopoly.
Now I'm not absent from music sunday by sunday, but I am missing music for me. I find my spirit aching for music at times because I honetsly believe that God has created everyone for music, in as much as it seems to be a part of the creative ingredient that God has put within all. And music would therefore appear to very much a part of spirituality.
My upbringing has been musical - a choir boy at one point, then I have sung in Dorset Opera in Aida and Turandot whilst at Sherborne. And whilst there sang in the town's local choral society in things like the Christmas Oratorio and Verdi's Reqiuem. But I guess my parents always had some kind of music going on in the background, and much of that sank in. I tried the clarinet once - too much like hard work, and wanted to play the guitar, but my parents refused! If only ...! But within church settings I have had a huge amount of renewal music pumped into me, as well the traditonal hymns of childhood. Not to mention my teenage and twent years of rock and pop and jazz and ...well in fact I like it all and have fairly broad tastes. I find music will move me to tears as memories come flashing by.
And I'm missing music. I'm missing singing chorally and that sense of being a part of something that isn't what I do perhaps as a Pastor. My question to myself, is whether I should do something about that. Have I the time. Life feels out of balance without it. And I think i should change that.

Looking back, Looking forwards

I'm not sure what the pschology of "the end of the year thing" is about, it's not logical!
After all, unlike our computers with their recycle bins, it's not possible to drag and drop everything from the past year into the recycle bin and be done with it .... or, Christologically speaking, is it?

But for the moment, the former mind set is working on me! and I can't wait for this year to end because it's been one of the worst for me! Oh I know there have been some good moments too, but predominantly the feeling is one of this being an "Annus Horriblus" to quote royalty.
The end of the year is a staging post of course. A moment to pause and reflect and we've managed to make a whole market out of the new resolution mind set. And the whole gym subscription community goes into overdrive in January to compensate for the over indulgences of the festive period.
But yes, I'm looking back, and I shall look back on my blogs too. On Dec 31st and Jan 1st, I shall want to be somewhere where there is some sea and the wind is howling and the sea thrashing about and then I shall quietly make some prayers of letting go, some confession and repentance and some covenant promises to God for the new year.
The covenant words of the Methodists have this wonderful depth that does not buy into prosperity or comfort, but simply asks God to travel with us:

"Put me to what you will; rank me with whom you will. Make me lower, make me higher. I freely and gladly yield all things to you...."

I shall also try to reflect and learn lessons from 2011 and try to change so that my character and lifestyle will be different. I can only change when I want to, and when God's Spirit assists me of course.

So, 2012 may, God willing bring a deeper, wiser, more graceful discipleship experience, through whatever may be thrown at us, and at me. The wisest comments made to me in 25 years of ministry and near to 30 years of Christian faith, have all been about grace and mercy: showing it, exercising it, receiving it.

As to the future, well all the signs are that we are in for a rough future as a country - ovbiously economically, but the out working of this is beginning now to be fully realised in all aspects of life and community. If ever people needed hope and faith and a God who can change their lives, this is the time. There is a season then, ahead of opportunity and mission for all who name Christ as Saviour and for the church that bears it's name.

The power of Hi-Viz

I've decided that we should all wear high-viz stuff ...maybe! When my wife Claire bought me this marvellous high viz orange cycling top earlier this year, I've pretty much worn it on every day. And it's great - really does the job. I cycle in it, jog in it and even use it as a casual weather jacket kind of thing - well you know what I mean, I hope. It's so good I've even been stopped in the street and asked where someone might buy one...I don't know, try going shopping!
But the thing I've noticed is that high viz is the new official status. I have observed that people seem to momentarily stop and think who is this? It seems I can be a council employee, a refuse collecting technician, a security guard, a police man; the possibilities are endless, and what strikes me is that in the mindset of our world today, high viz is the new kind of attention status. And when you think about it, thats what the naff world of Health and Safety has done to us. It seems that whatever you do these days that might be the slightest prone to any kind of accident, however small, requires a high viz vest. So you now see everyone and anyone wondering around our streets with high viz waistcoats. The world has gone high viz mad. The secret is that you can pull off miracles in the new high viz world - add a hard hat and you become some kind of surveyor or technical person. Add a clip board and you become someone official who is going to take notes and that means consequences. Add a hair dryer and you become someone who is operating a speed camera and thats bad news. Add a slow arrogant official PC plod kind of walk and flip, you're in real trouble! It seems that with high viz we can pull off anything that we want to send someone into a different kind of subserviant set of responses.
I'm still reflecting what this all means for a Christian Minister - might we have high viz clerical shirts and collars. Perhaps dog collars with built in red or amber directional lights saying "slow" or "pull over" of maybe a full liturgical data bank of flashing words that says "Lord in your mercy, hear our prayers!"

On a different tack, I went to my first proper official School Governors meeting last night and what caught my eye was something in the standing rules of the governing body, which I thought was rather good. There is a line that says, "We will operate in a friendly and informal manner commensurate with effective decision making...." And I like it! And I thought to myself that we would be well placed to have in our Baptist Church constitutions a line that says this exact same sentiment! Here is one example where our society is ahead of the church. Why? Do we in church assume that everyone will know how to act and behave and speak at meetings, if not do we teach it, and if not, why not? Because on this alone, the church of Christ needs to take a big lesson from the non-churched world on how it should act and behave. This gets my vote for the new latest model trust deed of the Baptist Union!

Deep

Flat as a pancake today! They say blogging is dangerous when you are in this state, so I am being careful today. But I may zig-zag the route a bit.

In the past 24 hours my mind has been on the scriptures of James chapter 3 - a real challenge for all.

I find being a Pastor in Christian ministry provides a fertile piece of ground to go to the very depths of despair and depression some days. I don't feel the personal freedom because of who I am as a Pastor to go around indicating to folks that that is where I am in these moments as that feels like some kind of attention seeking or quazi sympathy school. Maybe it just about being male?

I find that none of this is helped by people's perceptions and expectations of Pastors. I maybe wrong but there seems to be an entire spectrum of expectations that span the entire wavelength. No human can match these. I have learnt to my cost in 24 years of Christian ministry that people pleasing is the motorway to oblivion. God pleasing is the only appropriate target for Christian leaders, and thats why we are never paid a salary that suggests that we are employed, but a stipend that is to enable that God defined ministry to take place. God pleasing is by the way hard enough! The two are entirely different concepts.

I have learnt too that whatever I do in ministry it will be wrong - never right, in the eyes of humans. Pastors are effectively "dammned if they do and dammned if they don't" and we are rarely told that we are doing a good job except by the tiny few who are willing to stand with you (God bless such wonderful people) in this in what feels at times like a Schizophrenic vocation. All of the rubbish that gets thrown at us over the years (and whenever we meet in our fraternals the reports are generally the same from each of us in different churches) by those who think they have some divine right or window on heaven! Those are the things that make me personally want to leave the church of Jesus and go and live by the sea in peace and quiet merely looking after the family and walking along the beach everyday!

Some people think that Pastors are somehow equipped with Star Trek like shields that let "stuff" go over them or bounce off. Here's the truth - that a complete fictional untruth!

At the end of the day, Pastors are just humans with feelings, vulnerabilities and struggles who have been trained, equipped, tested and recognised by the larger church, not just the local, who are seeking to humbly do God's will.

So today I am flat. But God has spoken to me, but I am yet to rise. As I walked home from the school run and looked at the Somerset Hills, the verse of Psalm 121 hit me again - "I look to the hills, from there comes my help..." When I got home and forced myself to follow the Northumbria Community prayers for today, the first part of the reading was the completion of Psalm 121. Thank you Lord!

I'm still flat, and rushing out the deep is not something I can do. I have learnt that I have to travel. So today I should jog or cycle, but I will clean the house, iron the laundry, listen to some deep music to capture my soul.

Yesterday I was at a funeral in Weymouth by the way, of a World War 2 war hero, a friend of my dad's back in the village I grew up in. I took my dad and mum to the service and held dad's hand through most of the service. I wasn't sure if dad really knew where he was, but we were there. They were glad to have gone, and they saw lots of old friends. Life moves too quickly and getting old is not a joy, but a struggle for many.